Silence.
my mind still as I stay
trapped beneath the streetlight’s glow
overshadowed by distant moonlight
Silence.
I look at this girl
and I cannot see beyond her
or behind her. or beside her.
In this moment, there is only her and I.
my best friend waits in the car
right down the street.
Silence.
as I wait for her to speak
the words pound against my chest
I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her.
Silence.
I fumble for the door as she speaks to me
and she tells me she’s off to meet a girl
she does not love
and I’ve never been more jealous
of something so irrelevant
Silence.
I drive away toward home
I do not use navigation
The streets are tired and empty as I cannot let her go
I’m here writing this with a heavy heart and mind finally putting into words what I’ve been contemplating for a very long time. I’ve been sitting on this awful experience for going on 4 years and there are too many stories of physical/mental abuse surrounding those who I’ve known through out my life which is both heartbreaking and unacceptable; I’ve decided that I can not be silent any longer. I have a follower base of just above 55 thousand people on this blog, and of some of you there are those who I went to school with a while ago who know my abuser. His name is Markus Hawthorne.
Markus and I dated my freshman year of high school, we had an on and off relationship and though I never doubted he cared for me, his hands were a bit too rough and demanding for my comfort. He would sneak out in the middle of the night and come see me on school nights, where we would lay in my bed. Though I made it very clear I was not ready for sex, sometimes when we would kiss he would be on top of me and when I would attempt to push him off he was a lot larger than I was and would not stop until i was practically yelling for him to get off me. He would then proceed to apologize and and tell me he loved me. This was a huge red flag, that I didn’t realize till it was too late.
We broke up, and Markus started getting close to my friends. People who though they did not realize, I truly cared for. I was protective and scared because I realized Markus had started to lay eyes on my then best friend. They would laugh and flirt and text all day,and though I respected the fact that they had feelings for each other I was still wary. Which came off as jealousy, instead of what was really concern.
Fast forward to when I was 17, Markus and I still talked from time to time but we were not close and had no romantic involvement. I had moved to Laguna Hills and we hadn’t seen each other in a little over a year. We were texting and I asked if he wanted to come pick me up and hangout, he said he’d love to but he’d have to see if his truck could make the trip. An hour later he picked me up and we went to Vons to pick up some supplies because we decided we wanted to get drunk and talk about space. We got back into his truck, and when we tried to drive away it would not start. So we sat there while he called a tow truck which said it would take at least 2 hours to get to us, so we waited. While we were waiting, we decided to drink a little bit, so Markus was pouring me drinks, and I didn’t realize it but he was getting me very drunk. So drunk to the point where I passed out. At one point i regained consciousness, not enough to get up, but enough to hear him tell me “Jamie, wake up” multiple times while he unzipped my shorts and proceeded to have sex with my unconscious body. I tried to tell him to stop, but my body would not move. There was too much alcohol in my system and I couldn’t do anything but lay there, till he was finished. It took a few minutes but i finally got the strength to open up his truck door and roll out to puke. I started screaming, asking why he would do this. He tried to calm me down, tell me that he cared about me and that he was sorry. I screamed at him to admit what he had just done, because I needed to know that he was aware of his actions. That’s when he admitted to raping me. He used the term rape, and I threw up again.
I didn’t know what to do, so I called my best friend at the time Lauren Emmett, it was around 2am so it went to voicemail and i rememeber crying and saying “Markus, just did something awful to me. Please call me back, I need to talk.” I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know if I should go to the police or call my mom to come pick me up. I was scared, I didn’t want to be seen as a victim or called a liar by my friends who I was already on rocky waters with. So we struck a deal, I wouldn’t tell anyone what he’d done, if he stayed away from my friends. So he could never hurt the ones I loved, or force himself onto the pretty girls who had affection for him already.
I never came forward, because I was scared the ones who already disliked me would call me a liar or I would forever be known as the girl who was raped. Being seen as the victim for the rest of my life. But as the years have gone by I have suffered from PTSD and have developed a severe anxiety disorder, both linked to that night. I live in fear that he’s harmed another girl the way he did me. He blocked me on every social media account, and recently I had decided that I couldn’t live with this unresolved issue. Living with so much fear, pain and anger is not something I was willing to do anymore. I reached out to him to ask for a single conversation to get some closure and he blocked me once again without a word so this I feel is the only alternative. He’s had the privilege of moving on with his life like nothing ever happened while I’ve been living with this burden for nearly 4 years.
In high school, Markus constantly picked fights with other boys because he felt the need to “protect” girls. He used to tell me that men who disrespected women were weak and worthless. I believed him right up until he raped me in the front seat of his truck. I no longer believe that he wanted to protect anyone. I now realize he just needed an excuse to show his dominance over other men which if you ask me made him the weakest of them all.
Thank you all so much for your support, if you really want to help me you can like/share my Facebook postso he knows that I do not stand alone. I have a support system, and I will not settle down till everyone knows that Markus Hawthorne is a rapist.
I s2Fg
😒 I got it fromAmelia stardust. My only advice to my children is going to be to never become a lesbian.
I like how her girl’s name is Chicken Magnet
“girl”
She’s straight, it’s her boyfriend. Just a fake post to advertise the store she works at.
i’d rather build a brand and create clever ads than cajole my followers into signing up for crapshoot survey sites all for just a couple bucks.
Why are people giving Jamie so much hate? First of all, she isn’t straight. Just because she has a boyfriend now doesn’t mean she doesn’t like girls too. If you’re erasing you’re sexuality by just assuming she’s straight, you’re the problematic one and biphobic as fuck. Second of all, “never date lesbians” was a joke, one that her own lesbian mother told her, and it’s perfectly fine for Jamie to joke about, because again, she likes girls. Stop acting like you know everything and acting like your opinion is superior.
